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| Lillian Gish as Hester Prynne The Scarlet Letter (1926) Adapted from the 1850 Nathaniel Hawthorne novel http://www.nytimes.com/.... No Copyright Infringement Intended |
Almost a full decade ago, my brief marriage ended in divorce. Although it was on Valentine's Day of 2002 that I learned of my wife's betrayal of the vows that we had made to each other in our wedding ceremony only twenty months earlier, it was not until October of that year that we separated and April of 2003 that our divorce was finalized.
The story does not end there though.
This was not a "bump in the road" for me. Since I was raised as a Catholic, marriage is a sacrament. Divorce, for me at the time, symbolized failure on several different levels. It was a bad marriage though, and as people are quick to point out, I am "lucky" that it ended when it did, and not after having had children or investing further emotion into the relationship. Somehow, there just doesn't seem to be anything particularly "lucky" about any of it.
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| Minnehaha Falls http://www.gowaterfalling.com/.... No Copyright Infringement Intended |
Early in 2008, I met a young woman who worked for the same company as I did, but at a different site. We both served on a committee together, so we saw each other at least once a month, and I really began to enjoy her company. After a while, we started doing things socially, meeting occasionally for one meal or another, going for a walk through Minnehaha Park, going to see one of my favorite bands perform an outdoor concert and enjoying a picnic on a warm summer evening, going on winery tours, et cetera.
I told everyone that I had feelings for her beyond friendship, except for the young woman herself, and when we were together, I never discussed my marriage, shutting off that part of my life altogether. Of course, it would not be something upon which I would want to dwell, but to deny it altogether also proved to be an unhealthy choice.
After a while, the age-old question became louder and louder in my head: "If I tell her of my real feelings, do we take things to an amazing next level, or do I lose her altogether?" On the morning of May 13, 2012, that question became moot. We met for an event that we had been discussing for several months, and she came in the company of her sister and... a man. Her sister said that they were "testing the waters," but it appeared as though the outcome was a foregone conclusion. In spite of this, I was finally able to talk with her a few weeks later and tell her how I felt.
We have not spoken since.
A big part of me feels guilty for having burdened her with that knowledge, but at the same time, I miss her very much. Although there are aspects of the circumstances with which I am decidedly displeased, the fact remains that I did not ask the question that had weighed on my own heart and mind until it was too late. Additionally, I was not honest with myself, not picking up on signs that the likelihood of any reciprocation was small at best. Perhaps in the final analysis that left me in a comfort zone, somewhat twisted though it may be, as by placing all of my interest into this one individual, I did not have to concern myself with the pursuit - and rejection - of others.
Stripped of all of the mixed emotions, what we had was a beautiful friendship, and not only do I miss my friend, I regret not showing support for her and her boyfriend over the course of the last seven months. My initial rationale was that my silence offered a respectful distance, but I am strongly questioning that today.
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| The Morse Theatre (now site of The Mayne Stage) 1330 West Morse Avenue; Chicago, Illinois 60626 http://g-freethoughts.blogspot.com/..... No Copyright Infringement Intended |
The most recent chapter of this story is about someone whom I know from the entertainment community. Every month, I see bands, stage plays, cabaret shows, poetry readings, acrobatic performances and more. Many times, I will see some of the same performers three, four, five or more times in one month, and that is leading to, if not full-fledged friendships, then certainly very friendly acquaintanceships. This is especially profound for me with one woman in particular. I know that, while she is entertaining the audience, she is at work. Respecting that, I do not want to be just like all of the other jerks who I ask her out.
But then, what does that make me? The nice guy who doesn't ask her out? If experience has taught me anything, it is that remaining silent will get me absolutely no results whatsoever. As my friend Lisa so eloquently put it, I need to "bust a move."
Perhaps it is time I take her advice and stop getting in the way of my own happiness.
Have you ever had an experience so bad that it compromised your ability to function "normally" in subsequent analogous situations? What did it take for you to free yourself of that and to re-engage? Please share your comments below.
Matthew, let me start by saying I am so sorry you had to go through these hurtful situations. With that said, I appreciate the pain you went through to admit it, write it down on paper (so to speak), and show it to the world and allow people to examine and critique your actions and feeling. You are very brave and trusting.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are grown now, but I have always told them, "If there is something you want, no matter how ridiculous or extreme... ask for it. The worst they can do is say no... they can't shoot you." Since then, I have seen my daughter get "free samples" from the Popsicle Man and kiosks at Disney World, even though they have no "sample" sizes. She recently saved over $4000 on a new car. My son has offered the manager of Walmart 10 - 20% less on items and gotten them.
Yes, it's scary, and yes, you might be rejected, but that is better than never knowing and going through your life with all the "What if's"! But.. you learned that the hard way.
I don't know why you haven't spoken since you told her how you felt, but "What if," you went to her now and told her that you are sorry ( for whatever wrong she perceives you did), that you wish her and "John" well, that you value her friendship very much and miss it, and would like to be included in her and "John's" lives. Because for him to be such an important part of HER life, he must be very special, and you would like the opportunity to be his friend, too. If she says no, ask her to think about it and if she ever changes her mind, just let you know. Then the ball is in her court, and you don't have to deal with the "What ifs".
I would rather be hated for something I said (or did), than hate myself forever for something I didn't do. The "could haves", "should haves", "would haves", and "what ifs" will kill you.
My ex-husband and I were going through a divorce when he kidnapped our 3 year old son. Although I searched and paid for others to search for him, I didn't know where he was for 10 years. Upon finding him, he didn't want to live with me and I was devastated. We had some contact over the years and then he graduated, moved away from his father, joined the Navy and fell in love. He was stationed about 30 minutes form us and he wanted me at his wedding and things began to get better. She had a son from a previous marriage and he was beautiful and a joy to be around. My husband and I both worked and I was in college full-time, so we saw them only about once a month, but we enjoyed every minute. She eventually got pregnant and we were happy to be getting another grandchild.
ReplyDeleteOne night, my son called us and said they were at the hospital and the baby was on the way. I said, wonderful, we would be there in about 45 minutes! He said, “No, don’t come.” I said don’t be silly; of course, we were coming! He said, “No, really. Don’t come. Her mom and step-dad and dad and step-mom and brother and cousin (and whoever) had been at their house all week and were already there and it’s nuts here. So don’t come. I’ll call you when we get home and it’s calmer.” I was devastated. (I should have gone.) I cried myself to sleep and felt hurt and VERY left out. (I didn't understand and still don’t). Before they moved to Connecticut, I apologized for whatever I had done, but then he accused us, basically, of never being there for them and everything got worse. Since then, he and she un-friend-ed my daughter and me on Facebook (but not my husband and son); We received a shower invitation a month before their baby was due, but we didn't even know she was pregnant. We learned from my parents that she evidently suffered through cancer, but it was in remission. We've seen them once since they moved about 5-6 years ago. I recently re-friended her on Facebook.
I guess you could say I am NOT following my own advice and I am taking it slow and testing the waters. Our relationship is similar to mine and yours. I evidently didn't handle it very tactfully when I tried to make it better before. I guess I didn't understand the amount of anger that he (and/or she) had for us at the time and thought they missed us as much as we missed them.
So, after reading your story, I think it’s time for healing and will extend the olive branch again, before it’s too late.
Thanks, Matthew, for sharing your life with me.
WonderingSoul - Thank you for both of your comments. I almost don't know how to reply to you. Thank you for sharing your own harrowing experiences.
DeleteI am unable to get into any specifics at this point, but suffice it to say that I have finally applied to myself the advice that I would give so freely to others, and the results have been... freeing.
As I was writing this response, a "Twilight Zone" marathon was running on SyFy, and the episode "The Nick of Time" happened to be on. A particular quote from it caught my attention:
"It's as if every superstitious feeling you ever had is wrapped up in that one machine. It doesn't matter whether it can foretell the future. What matters is whether you believe more in, in luck and in fortune than you do in yourself. Well, you can decide your own life. You have a mind, a wonderful mind. Don't destroy it trying to justify that cheap penny fortune machine to yourself."
We can consume ourselves with attempting to understand the unknown, and it is finally useless if we do not take action.
Wishing you the very best of luck with your own healing.